


A Stark Guide to Courting Disaster

by lucius_complex



Series: Lucius Complex's Choose-Your-Own-Storyboard [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Asgard hasn't heard of human rights, Choose Your Own Ending, Choose Your Own Ratings, Courtship, Crack, Declarations Of Love, Fluff, Humor, Incest, Initial Dubious Consent, Liberal application of Caps, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2017-12-29 02:30:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucius_complex/pseuds/lucius_complex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Tony Stark is stuck between the most competitive courtship between gods, ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

1

‘Of course I always knew I was _special_ , you know, but not quite like this,’ Tony sighed into his whiskey. ‘Thor buddy. I’m at my wits end.’

The blond warrior beside him took his time in replying, shifting uncomfortably for several minutes and avoiding Tony’s eyes, although _fuck_ , who could blame him with a little brother like that?

‘Did he- touch you untowardly?’

‘Thor, you freaky little brother ripped out my face plate and tried to _kiss_ me. Out of nowhere. In the midst of _battle_. What do you _think?’_ Tony shuddered at the memories. ‘And this is not even the first time he’s created an epic diversion just to lure us out.’

‘He did lead the rest of us on a merry chase with his illusory selves,’ Thor grunted. ‘If not for the Black Widow who finally saw through his trickery we would have been engaged in fruitless chase for hours.’

‘Whatever dastardly plot he’s thinking to achieve, I want this psychological warfare to be over. It was funny at first, but I can’t function as Ironman if I keep seeing invisible gods at every corner about to jump out, rip off my clothes and stick his tongue down my throat.’

Beside him, Thor made a slightly strangled sound, and Tony rubbed his back in commiseration. No doubt it was a brain bleaching experience to image ones baby brother engaging in.

Thank god he didn’t have siblings.

*  

‘Hey Thor! Thor!’ Tony slapped the god of thunder on the back, ‘So glad you could make it!’

‘Man of Iron,’ Thor seemed very moved by the techno music blaring in the background. Or maybe high on alien moonshine; after seven whiskeys Tony was not in the best frame of mind to differentiate such subtleties. 

‘You know what you need? What you need is several bottles of single malts, and something in a miniskirt and six-inch stilettoes – _there_. Right there, see her?'

‘Man of Ir- Tony-‘

 _‘That’s_ your Christmas present right there. Go write your name all over it, buddy, cos I’m telling ya, with legs that long you won’t run out of scrolling space all night-’

‘I would speak with you on a matter of direst urgency,’

‘Is this about Loki? Because if this is about Loki I’m in no mood-‘

‘No! Yes. But perhaps not. Mine brother… his involvement is only as far as to make one aware of-’ Thor shook his head, looking very serious. ‘I should like to speak with you in private, Tony Stark. It would be but a moment of your time, and then on mine honour I shall darken y-‘

‘Whoa, let’s not tote out the fancy words, I’m not drunk enough. We can go upstairs to the den.’

‘Then let us do so with all haste.’

Tony blinked at him. ‘Boy are you in some serious mug tonight. Right come on then.’

In the elevator Tony hummed the refrain of Thunderbird to himself whilst Thor divided his time staring with great concentration at the emergency button and then at a spot over Tony’s head.  By the time they reached Tony’s personal office, dimly lit by hidden recess lights and illuminated by the thousands of street and building lights below them, Thor was practically vibrating.

‘Sit. Drink?’

‘No thank you, Anthony,’ the blond Asgadian shuffled, eyes darting around, and if Tony didn’t know better he’d say Thor's expression was hovering somwehere between trappedand hysterical.

‘Didchu just call me _Anthony??_ ’ he mouthed. ‘Why the- nevermind that. What’s with the long face and the long names?’

‘Nothing of import,’ Thor flushed as he watched Tony open the fridge and extract two beers. ‘Simply, I needs make something known to you.’

‘Uh, ok but we are not talking about your psycho brother kissing me this morning because I threw this awesome party just so I could forget about the whole th-‘

‘Loki is but a _child,'_   Thor suddenly burst out. ‘He is no more than a boy playing at being a lover. He would not make you _happy.’_

Tony dropped his arms in shock, the beer he’s been holding out forgotten. Maybe his mouth might have hung open a bit too, he’s not sure. He watched with narrowed eyes as Thor flush an even deeper red and ran his hands through his hair several times.

‘You seem conflicted, big guy. Wanna talk about it?’

‘I- yes. I want- things have weighed most heavily upon my mind for some time now.’

‘About how Loki kissing me made you felt? Sure, who wouldn’t be disturbed when its family? Par for course.’

Thor blanched. ‘How did you- thats is what I need to talk to you about, Anthony.’

‘I understand perfectly, Thor, but its not so bad. Like you've said, Loki is.. much younger by several-er, _hundred_ years. Look, you just need to knock back a couple of wet ones and tomorrow morning, evr-.’

Tony didn’t get to finish, because the god of thunder had suddenly picked him up by the waist and pressed him against the wall.

‘I cannot hide this anymore,’ Thor said thickly, emotional in a way Tony had never seen him, even when they first introduced cable and sat him through the entirety of Rome where he’d bawled his eyes off.

‘What the _fuck-‘_

‘I needs confess upon you, Tony, of the feelings I have nursed in deepest silence in mine own breast since the day you did come to me with your re-telling of Loki’s deed.’  

Dread begin to prickle the fine hairs on the back of his neck. ‘Thor, please let me go _right now_ and tell me you’ve had a lot to drink.’

‘I cannot stay _silent!'_   Thor said in a burst of passion that shocked Tony to the roots of his hair, ‘To have held myself in check for so long, only to have mine own artful brother lay claim to my heart’s desire-‘

Tony begun to earnestly struggle. ‘No way dude. _No.No.NO.‘_

‘For verily. I have been most ardently enamoured by your charm for some time now.’

He rained his fists down on the giant blond bear, knowing that it wouldn’t work. _‘Thor. Thor! Don’t you dare try to-‘_

And then Thor kissed him.

*

Tony woke up the next day, hung over and making new oaths about never mixing his alcohols again and subsequently panicking when he found himself naked. He hadn’t remembered getting into bed with the F1 model though. Maybe it had been the coral dressed Victoria Secrets one, but then he remembered specifically keeping that one aside for his good buddy Thor, and-

Abruptly he shot up from the bed, eyes flickering around the empty room in very real fear. He didn’t- _surely_ he hadn’t- please god, please make last night a night of gross debauchery with the lanky legged models and not a horizontal tango with his blond Asguardian team mate.

‘Uhm. Thor? You there buddy?’

Mercifully, the room remained empty, and Tony shuddered and shook his head. A shower. What he needed was a shower, and coffee, some eardrum-breaking AC/DC, and then a really big piece of steel-tipped _something_ to either work on or reduce to rubble. Yeah. He could work with that.

It was going to be a good day if it killed him.

*

It was a good day for two whole hours.

At least, until Loki sudden appeared in his living room.

 _‘Anthony,_ ’ he murmured, and Tony can already feel ever hair on his body rising as the god’s eyes travelled up and down his bare torso with what could only be described as very _intense_ appreciation. ‘I see you’re sporting a rather attractive state of dishabille today.’

Tony took a step back before he could stop himself. _‘JARVIS-‘_

‘-is taking a nap,’ Loki’s breath coasted over his face like a caress; so very close did the god draw that Tony found himself mostly looking at a very complicated swirl on the leather breastplate of Loki’s armour. ‘He does seem to work so very hard for you, I thought it would be nice to give your servant a holiday.’

‘How very kind,’ Tony croaked, whilst his brains scrambled to figure out a way to the bar where the emergency bracelets for his suit were located. Diversion, _yes_. ‘Would you like a drink?’

Amused eyes looked down at him, lazy and green as a leopard's. That is to say, a stir crazy, 200 pound killing animal with missile claws. ‘I’m sure I’d enjoy anything you cared to make me.’

‘Um. Good. Great,’ Tony managed, and slid over him slo-ww-ly; because Loki isn’t moving, only staring and staring _hungrily_ , and Tony only needed to make it to the bar in one piece (without running), then he’d be home free and ab able to kick the god out of his apartment the good old fashioned, Ironman way.

He opened one drawer, and then another. And then he flat out _panics._

Somewhere beyond his line of sight a flash of silver is flourished at him, as a voice enquired in the mildest tones; ‘Were you looking for _these?’_

Tony looked up, not quite able to hide the dread from his face when he sees Loki holding his suit’s bracelets in one hand, eyebrows arched.

‘Ahem. Well, they _are_ technically mine.’

‘My feelings are hurt.’ The god of mischief purred, blinking at him like a cat. ‘You never intended to keep your promise after all; how terribly inhospitable of you.’

‘That’s not true, Jingles; I’d have made you a _terrific_ cocktail, right after I’d snapped those babies on.’ _Like a nice Molotov._

The mocking look on Loki’s face seemed to indicate he heard the rest of Tony’s unspoken sentence.

‘Very well then, you may have them.’

‘Sorry?’ Tony blinked, certain he’d misheard even as he calculated how many bottles he could throw at the god’s face before making a dash for it through the fire escape. Maybe the guys downstairs would hear him screaming and check up on him. ‘Come again?’

‘How about a show of trust? Come here and I will put them on for you,’ Loki cajoled, although by the way he holds them and the look of wicked lust on his face, he might as well be saying _I’ve give the bracelets back to you if you put them on and take everything else off._

‘Thanks ever so much, but if you could just- _throw_ them over I’d feel that much safer, and… totally trust you so much more.’

Loki’s eyebrow only inched higher as he twirled one bangle around his finger. _‘Come here_ , Anthony.’

Tony went, unable to help bristling. Not so much at the god’s command, but the way he got a whole lot _shorter_ and Loki a lot taller once they stood in front of each other; and oh, how Tony _hated_ being out of the suit with its extra five inches.

‘Do you know why I’m here?’

‘No, but when they find my body, I’d be really grateful if you’d tell them I prefer cremation to a coffin, you know, since JARVIS is disabled-‘

Loki’s hands are surprisingly quick and delicate against his wrist, and Tony barely registers the brush of fingertips against his palm, a sneaky caress that leaves his sides tingling, before the god of mischief steped smoothly away.

‘I would not hurt you, the man I have chosen to rule beside me,’ Loki scoffed.

‘Rule?’ Tony splutters. ‘Now just _wait_ one cotton picking minute-’ 

Loki ignored him. ‘I have brought you a courting gift,’ the god announced as he turned away, the pride of ten suns in his voice. ‘Behold your nemesis, Doctor Doom, whom I have subdued through many days of scheming and battle fought in your honour.’

‘I-‘ Tony opens his mouth. And then he closes it again. This goes on for several moments, before he finally says; ‘You brought me- you _kidnaped_ Doctor Doom.’

‘Indeed. Your little organisation has been hot on his heels for some time, have they not?’

Tony’s thought process however, haven’t had the chance to advance that far. ‘You and _your bag of cats brain_ , plus kissing me, equals Doctor _Doom,_ here, on my balcony.’

‘Quite so.’

‘You are fucking _unbelievable.’_

Loki snapped his fingers, and suddenly a cloaked figure, previously invisible, fell crashing into the space between them, forcing Tony to jump away with an undignified little yelp.

_‘Jesus fucking crap shit hole.’_

‘Perchance you desire a different villain?’ Loki frowned. ‘Is this one not to your taste?’

Tony blinked at his clearly unconcious gift in dismay. ‘Ah. Fuck, I need coffee before I can answer that- is he, is he still alive?’

‘Unfortunately,’ Loki wrinkled his nose delicately. ‘I would have preferred to kill him, had I been less uncertain of your intentions with such captives. Killing him would have resulted in a rather substandard-looking corpse however, and then he would no longer make a very good revenant.’

‘I guess alive is good,’ Tony managed to mummer weakly. ‘Dead would have been- kinda squishy.’

‘Indeed.’

‘You did good there.’ Tony told him, wondering if he was supposed to.. reach out and pet the god on his leather gauntlet or something. There seemed to be some sort of expectation in the air; perhaps a compliment would not go amiss? Or some sort of tip? What the hell do you give a goddam god of mischief for his troubles?

‘I'm so glad you approve,’ Loki murmured again in that soft and maddeningly gentle voice he’s taken to addressing the human with lately, which Tony has found much, much scarier than anything a super villain had dreamt up in the history of ever.

‘So I really should get back to my housemates before they- you know, come looking for me-‘

‘It is common where I come from, to receive a token of esteem if one’s gift has been favourable received.’

Tony took a step back. ‘Like how?’ he asked suspiciously. Bracelets, he had the bracelets now, so there was no need to panic, because if things got out of hand he could always kick Loki’s ass.

‘Perhaps a kiss, of your own violation,’ Loki said slyly. ‘As recompense for all I endured for your sake.’ And then the god of mischief proceeded to subject Tony to the most agonizing sixty seconds of heated staring in his goddam life, and Tony thinks he must have hit his head a lot harder than he realised at the last skirmish, because he finds himself actually considering Loki’s request.

And Loki was… sort of _attractive,_ when he was being all sly and demure like this. Tony had never really been good at resisting a smart mouth, and Loki looked like the sort of guy whose mouth was- _multidisciplinary._

_‘Well?’_

Tony pursed his lips. On one hand, psychopath baby brothers, ewww.

On the other hand, _Doctor Doom._

‘So I kiss you and you’ll- leave.’

‘I promise,’ said the god of lies as he lowered his opened mouth to Tony’s own, and Tony tried to roll his eyes, he really did, but the thought of locking lips _again;_ twice in two days with the Liesmith has somewhat frozen him in shock, which surely must be why he didn’t protest that much when their mouths met again, soft and strangely familiar.

It’s a little muted and not at all like the first kiss (first assault, really) - as if Loki is taking great care this time to be _under_ whelming rather than overwhelming.

But the way his clever tongue flickered through Tony’s mouth like a serpent tasting everything and ending with a long, heavy rub as he dragged his tongue out against Tony’s own; extracting an involuntary sound from the mortal – that was just – nghhhhh, and Tony is struck dumb by the sensation. Alien flesh or not, Loki knew how to _kiss,_ and as the god pulled away his throat made a noise that started off as a purr and ended suspiciously like a growl, which in another life might have been a serious turn-on but on Loki is just _goddam terrifying._

‘Such a magnificent token has made my efforts worthwhile indeed,’ the god of mischief announced, before loosening his hold upon Tony with no small regret. ‘Until we meet again, my _Anthony.’_

The intimate weight of Loki’s finger tracing his lips seemed to have shut down Tony’s ability to talk and therefore his ability to react outwardly to anything at all, so he simply nodded bemusedly and blinked alot as Loki vanished -just as the rest of the Avengers finally broke down the door and came rushing into the hall.

*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so who will Tony choose? Make your votes here in the comment section, and in the final chapter I’ll create the ending based on the highest numbers of votes.
> 
> A: Tony chooses Loki  
> B: Tony chooses Thor  
> C: Tony is Polyamorous, duh/Whatever, just give me lots of Hot Smex!  
> D: Tony spends the next decade in hiding with his right hand
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr: Lokitini](http://lokitini.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

2

Tony had been to some god-awful SHIELD meetings in his lifetime, but the debriefing following Loki’s ‘courtship’ announcement would rank forever as one of the worst, up to and including that time Steve had accidently threw his shield into the Hulk’s face, resulting in a two hour high street chase through most of Manhattan and a great many overturned cars.

Most of said meeting had involved Thor being pressed into explaining exactly how seriously the average Asir god took the matter of courtship. Which was apparently pretty damn serious, especially if you were a member of the Royal House of Asgard, of which Loki was still very much counted as despite his transgressions. Thor had been very closed mouthed and very aggrieved by the whole situation, which had raised a few eyebrows but Tony wasn’t about to illuminate the others as to the reason why.

Clint had shouted and banged tables at first, but as Thor’s explanation’s progressed his eyes had grown as big as saucers, then he’d chuckled for a good half hour and towards then end had taken to falling off his chair laughing.

Fury, of course, wanted Tony to continue ‘courting’. And to ask for the top three international terrorist on SHIELD’s most wanted list whilst he’s at it. Also a stable wormhole into Asgard, if possible. And maybe another teseract on top of that, pretty please.

Thor watched this pronouncement of Fury's aquicense to Loki's farcical courtship sullenly, his arms folded and a heavy scowl on his face.

And then he disappeared.

As soon as the debriefing was over Tony shot back into his lab, barring the doors and windows and executing the tightest level of security he had on it. Then he soldered the doors and windows shut. Manually. On top of which he added lasers. And finally he made DUMMY hang on to a tazer, pointed to a spot in front of the door and said ‘ _Sit. Stay,’_ in the sternest voice possible.

There. That would do it.  Now nobody could get in or out, and he could tremble and pace in peace. He’d be fine. Everything will be fine. He’s Tony Stark, he could handle a little self-imposed isolation. He’d just make a cat flap big enough for pizzas to be slid across the floor, and that would be it.

It was a _great_ idea.

*

It was a great idea _until_ he realised two hours into his self-imposed isolation that he’d forgotten to bring any alcohol with him in his haste to barricade himself.

But the _idea_ itself was great.

*

Steve stuck his head into the living room. ‘Tony, have you seen Thor around? He’s been missing for a week.’

‘Donno,’ Tony said with feigned nonchalance, glad that the blaring TV distracted Steve from noticing the way he suddenly tensed up. ‘Maybe daddy called him back.’

‘I guess that must be it,’ Steve ruffled a hand through his usually neat hair. ‘It’s just not like him to just vanish without telling us.’

‘Can we all just enjoy the peace and quiet while it last? Dude has a hammer, he can take care of himself.’

‘Peace and quiet from you,’ Steve echoed with disbelief. ‘Is it just me, or do you feel like everyone’s been acting a bit strange lately?’

‘You live in a tower with a green monster, a god, an _astoundingly_ good looking billionaire genius and two assassins, one of which have been dropped multiple times on his head from great heights. You need to worry if things aren’t at least a little strange around here.’

‘It’s good to know some things will never change,’ Steve actually sounded relieved as his head dissapeared, leaving Tony the silence he needed to consider at lenght his recent lot in life and the company he chooses to keep.

*

The next morning, Tony shuffled into the kitchen yawning and was confronted with a giant red lump hanging before the breakfast table, swaying slightly in front of his face. He eyed the a red lump sleepily for a few moments before it struck him how suspiciously close in colour the lump is to Thor’s red cloak.

Then something clicked in his brian and Tony woke up immediately, because that  _is_ Thor’s red cloak. Which horrors upon horrors, looked likely to have a person under it.

With great foreboding, he pulled the cloak away to reveal The Spymaster, trussed up and hanging upside down like a chicken.

No. No, no, NO. This was _not_ happening to him.

Unfortunately Bruce, an irritatingly early riser, wandered into the kitchen before Tony could hide the body. He cocked his head in amusement as he surveyed Tony’s latest gift, mug of coffee in hand.

‘Another courting gift from Loki?’

‘No,’ Tony said shortly, ‘and no, I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘At this rate, we’ll soon be out of a job.’ Bruce said blandly. ‘Team Avengers, outstripped in by Team Court Ironman To Death.’

‘Very funny.’

‘I thought you’ be ecstatic at the attention,’

‘This'  _Loki_ we’re talking about.’ Tony groused. _And Thor,_ although he had the good sense to not point it out, seeing Bruce hadn’t made the conclusions he had yet about the cloak.

‘Again; I thought you’d be ecstatic at the attention,’ Bruce repeated with a smile as he collected his coffee and disappeared, humming to himself.

Tony threw Thor’s cloak down the rubbish chute before somebody could put two and two together, then told JARVIS to inform SHIELD about their latest criminal acquisition on the dining table.

He supposed he should be happy Thor hadn’t stuffed an apple in his arch nemesis’s mouth.

With any luck, nobody would find out.

*

 _Everybody_ found out, because Thor has a voice like a hammer and the subtlety of an ox.

‘MY FRIENDS, I am returned at last!’

Tony winced at the voice vibrating through the walls and his eyes immediately darted to the nearest exit. Unfortunately it was blocked by the owner of said voice. The blond giant even had the audacity to grin irascibly at him, looking daisy fresh and quite recovered from his previous bout of dejection.

‘Where the hell have you been, Thor?

‘Hunting, good friend Steve,’ Thor boomed as his bright eyes caught Tony’s and goddamn winked at him. ‘Please gather onto me, for I needs make a grand pronouncement to you all.’

Tony paled. _‘No._ ’

‘YES,’ Thor grinned. ‘It is time to reveal all.’

Bruce stared at Tony with concern. ‘What'd you do now?’

Tony ignored him in favour of crisis aversion. ‘Listen buddy, I really – Thor, this is a very, very bad idea.’

‘Nonsense,’ Thor cried, throwing out his hands. ‘It is the best idea I’ve had in two hundred years, better than that time I sneaked into the bathing pool of the Valkyries and stole their clothes. Proof of course, that mine brother is _not_ the only one capable of great feats of strategy and direction.’ And then he abruptly lowered his voice so drastically that it carried even clearer through the living room; ‘Did you like my gift? Is it not as good a villain as the one my mine brother presented?’

‘Lower your goddamn voice,’ Tony hissed. ‘And the answer is no.’

‘What’s cooking Thor?’ Clint asked, ‘And how come only Tin Can gets a gift?’

Steve looked adorably confused. ‘Wait- I thought it was Loki who brought us the Spymaster.‘

'The glory of that capture is MINE,' the thunder god scowled. ‘Loki might have the advantage of being _first_ to proclaim his suite, yet I shall overcome this duplicitous adversity and prevail.’

‘Again, _no,_ ’ Tony said, jabbing a finger at the thunder god, who took no notice.

 _‘Oh.’_ Clint said, face changing in understanding. Then he clutched his stomach and started choking on his own laughter.

 _‘Dick.’_ Tony muttered, batting away Thor’s attempts to hold his hand.

Steve however, was still confused. ‘Proclaim his _what?’_

‘His suite,’ the Widow supplied helpfully. ‘Courtship. Proposal. Application of wooing.’

‘You are as keen as ever, dearest Widow,’ Thor beamed, and Natasha gracefully inclined her head.

 _‘Hello people,_ ’ Tony raised his voice. ‘Have I become invisible? Don’t I get a say in this?’

‘Of course you do,’ Bruce said with a straight face. ‘You get to pick the winner.’

‘Friend Banner has put it most succinctly! Over the course of the coming weeks shall mine brother and I compete in the grand tradition of all Asir nobles for our quest to win over our fair and favoured Antony.’

The good captain frowned and Clint collapsed in laughter again, leaning on Natasha for support.

‘Absolutely, resoundingly NO. Thor, you know I love you like a mate-‘

Thor's smile broke like sunshine over the vale. ‘And I shall be delighted to be mated to you!’

‘NOT THAT SORT OF MATE!’ Tony yelled. ‘And I’m sorry but I veto this enterprise by absolutely refusing to participate.’

‘You do not need to be riled by this Anthony, for the matter shall be settled between mine brother and I,’ Thor assured him in placating tones. ‘And a victor shall emerge between us, although to be sure, that victor will be Thor.’

‘What am I, chopped liver? And that’s a barbaric practice, Point Break; of course the-the object of your affections should get some say. _A lot of_ say. _Like how bout no.’_

‘In the past, we used to slaughter resisting family members and torch the village before carrying off our mates, but rest assured, the victor of this joust shall treat you and yours with utmost gentleness,’ Thor explained whilst the rest of the Avengers listened with varied expressions of horror and amusement. ‘I have already spoken to mine father, and all of Asgard is agog and right now tasked to making ready a feast that would go on for three days and three nights; songs will be sung in tribute, and mead will flow- Tony? Tony?’

‘Ohmygod,’ Steve caught the body before it dropped gracelessly to the floor. ‘What do we do?’

‘He’s fainted,’ Bruce observed critically. ‘Not so iron after all.’

‘Ah, he was overwrought with girlish happiness,’ Thor sighed. ‘Tis a common sight in Asgard and is to be expected.’

Tony opened his eyes a few delayed seconds later. ‘I’m _fine._ Gimme a moment.’

‘Would you like some smelling salts to go with that girlsih swoon?’ Clint asked with a far too amused glint in his eye.

Tony glared. ‘I’m going to my room if anyone needs me,’ he announced primly and stalked off. There was no shame in beating a dignified retreat when dealing with the forces of unmitigated insanity.

On the way out he overheard Steve talking to Bruce; ‘So… is Thor and Loki wooing Tony, or SHIELD? Because I’d have thought these guys to be more Fury’s things…’

‘Think of it this way, Steve, maybe they think SHIELD’s like a big daddy figure who needs to be pleased-‘

Tony barricaded himself in the study, where nobody would suspect to look for him, and proceeded with great enthusiasm to spend the rest of the weekend drunk.

*

Courting disaster begun in earnest the following week, as if on cue. By some unfortunate twist of fate - although far more likely by prior arrangement - Tony would somehow ‘bump into’ one or the other Asgardian god by turns. 

Whether he liked it or not.

It was a flawless system and a brutally efficient one (certainly Loki’s doing) and always took place when the other Avengers were also conveniently absent (definitely Clint’s doing).

This morning for example, was Thor’s. And Thor apparently enjoyed hunting, which was why Tony found his living space strewed all over with what looked like the bodies of shaggy giant water buffaloes, some of which were still twitching.

The smell alone, Tony thought exasperatedly to himself, should justify an evacuation on grounds of noxious fumes.

‘It has ever been a trait of my people to commit acts of valour to demonstrate their worth and commitment. So did I, the great Thor, undertake a quest of epic proportions-’

‘Ja ja, just get on with it,’ Tony groused, pinching his forehead. All this blather was making for a very irritable morning.

‘Far did I venture, and deep,’ Thor continued undaunted, ‘searching for the most glorious beast in the Nine Realms which would be good enough to do you tribute. Thus does mighty Thor bring you the fresh kill of these wildebeests,  that its meat may sweeten your platter and its head may decorate your hall.’

‘Gee Thor, thanks but I really don’t want a bunch dead alien carcasses-‘

‘Do not be humble, my sweetest one, for soon such gifts will be a common and happy occurrence onto you, for Thor is your suitor now, and verily he shall make a grand demonstration of it.’

And the blond god left through the front door whistling, enormously happy with himself whilst Tony stared dull-eyed at the half-dozen giant wildebeest bleeding all over his living room rug.

Bruce stood beside him and cleared his throat. ‘Did he just call you my _sweetest_ one?’

‘Save me, Bruce. Hulk out and kill me now. I promise to leave it all in your name. Everything I own.’

‘I’m hardly motivated by material things,’ Bruce said modestly.

‘I’ll _do_ anything.’

‘Ah, but what if all a guy wants in life is an invitation to your impending nuptials?’

‘Fuck you,’ Tony scowled, and took himself to the gym to work out his angst.  When he alighted the living room floor hours later, feeling much better, it is to the sight of Loki waiting patiently with a stack of pelt in his arms.

The dark haired man sighed and allowed his shoulders to drop. ‘Alright. Let’s get this over with.’

Upon sighting his intended the proud god drew himself to height, which is at least two feet taller than Tony would have liked. ‘By mine own hands I have skinned these polar bears to make of a pelt of great luxury for our wedding bed.’

‘Our _what?’_

‘Surely you didn’t think that our courtship would go on indefinitely?’

‘Uh-uh, no wedding. There will be no weddings, of _any_ sort.’

_‘Hmm.’_

‘Did you hear me, crazy alien trickster thief? Tony Stark is a confirmed bachelor _for life.’_

Loki as usual was ignoring him. For a guy professing to be under the influence of a mad, earth shaking infatuation, he was rather dismissive of Tony’s presence, choosing instead to survey the dead wildebeests on Tony's floor with displeasure. ‘I see mine tiresome brother does seek as ever to outdo me in all expedition. As ever shall he fail.’

And Tony swallowed at the coldly determined light in the god’s dark eyes. ‘Okaaaay. Just leave your shit on the sofa, and I’ll.. find time to, urm, do it justice.’

Thus did Tony’s unwelcomed courtship continue apace, and went on to other things:

‘I bring you treasures from mine father’s throne room cajoled from Odin King, who did lend his noble blessings upon my suit! Let it not be said that there is only one silver tongue in the nine realms.’

‘Um thanks, Thor.’

‘I lay these unearthly treasures before you, stolen under the allfather’s omnipotent gaze; which proves my cunning and my skill.’

‘ _Oh._ Er, swell Loki.’

‘I have composed a poem in your worthy name,’ Thor stammered, clutching several sheets of crumpled paper to his chest. ‘I would like to read it to you.’

‘Certainly,’ Tony winced.

The following night Loki slammed a giant leather book upon his desk, starting him badly.

‘I have written a tome, a study of the blackest magicks in all the Nine Realms which I dedicate to you.’

‘Will my ears bleed if I read it?’

Loki paused and considered this. ‘Perhaps slightly. I can be on hand to heal you before your organs erupt.’

And so it went on, and inexorably on.

‘I shall be King of Asgard one day and make you Queen, and verily you shall be loved by our people.’ Thor promised.

‘I shall _overthrow_ the throne of Asgard and install you as my Queen,’ Loki hissed from the shadow-pooled curtains that same night, ‘and all shall grovel as insects before you.’

Two days later Thor hit upon a splendid idea at the breakfast table. ‘In your worthy name I shall rename my mighty hammer from Moljin to-‘

‘DON’T FINISH THAT SENTENCE!’

‘Behold,’ Loki said when he appeared a week later, seven feet tall and freezing and _fucking blue_ in colour, ‘I have carved out your name on the fair moon, so all mortals may know the name of one whom Loki has elevated above all.’

 _‘_ Well _fuckity, fuck.’_

And still it went on, and merrily on, at least for the rest of the Avengers who were not involved.

*

A great deal of kissing went on as well during those weeks; some of which Tony participated willingly in, most of which he didn’t. Asgardian courting rituals apparent, didn’t truly require the suitee’s consent.

No matter where Tony ended up hiding; the lab, the basement, locking himself in one of SHIED’s holding cells or camping out in the desserts of Utah, they somehow found him.

Honestly, it was… despair-inducing. Tony never once felt so tiny in his life.

‘Gods. Couldn’t you choose someone else to fight over?’

‘Apparently not. I would collect my kiss now, if you please.’

‘I’d rather not.’

Loki narrowed his eyes at him, and Tony swallowed and reminded himself that suitor or not, the guy in front of him was six foot two of every kind of crazy, and then some.

‘Urm. Yeah fine.’

And Loki placed one leather clad arm on the small of his back, pulled them together, and slanted his cold mouth over Tony, cutting off any protest.

This went on for so long that the other Avengers no longer batted an eyelash (not that they did much to begin with, traitorous bastards) whenever one of the brother’s showed up with ‘presents’ and dragged Tony off for a solid hour of not necessarily consensual face-mashing.

And no matter where Tony ran to, a variation of the scene below would happen at least once a day:

‘With your permission, I shall kiss you now,’ Thor boomed, hands reaching out as Tony scrambled frantically backwards.

‘No permission granted!No permiss _mmmmfh-‘_

And so on:

‘Loki listen, I think we ought to sit down and _talfmmmf-’_

‘Thor, stop pawing me. Dammit do _not_ do that, DOWN BOY, SIT!’

‘Hey Lokes, can’t you just kiss my hand or something, just for tonight? No? Cos I’m having some serious rug burn from your brother’s – ok that was obviously the wrong thing to say, _don’t look at me like that its not my fault-‘_

And so on:

_‘HEEEEEELLLLPP! HELPPP! SOMEBODY!! ANYBODY!!’_

And on:

 _‘Put down_ the fucking camera, Barton. Thor, stop manhandling me and go make him put it down.’

And indefinitely on.

‘Tomorrow,’ Tony snapped, shoving Loki’s face away as it descended doggedly for his mouth; ‘tomorrow I want you to steal me some fucking  _chapstick.’_

_*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Urm yeah. As you can tell, no brain cells were involved in the making of this… but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless.
> 
> Please remember to VOTE if you haven’t already done so. Note you can only vote ONCE, so please don’t vote again if you did so in Chapter 1, but do feel free to leave the author a cookie :P
> 
> The current results:  
> C: Tony is polyamorous (currently 30 votes)  
> A: Tony ends up with Loki (currently 29 votes)
> 
> Competition is neck to neck! Voting remains open for 12 MORE HOURS ONLY, so get your friends involved if you'd really like a certain ending!
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>  
> 
> [Tumblr: Lokitini](http://lokitini.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

3

‘What atrocity,’ Tony demanded as he opened the door in his pyjamas, ‘did I ever commit in a previous life to warrant you _both_ on my doorstep at the same time?’

His two unwanted suitors eyed him sullenly, neither volunteering to inform him of their rare appearance together since the whole courtship fiasco started. Behind them something or someone coughed, drawing Tony’s attention towards whatever the gods had hidden behind them.

Tony scowled. ‘And I thought I _told_ you boy a million times; make sure your presents are _unconscious_ before you deliver them to the tower-‘

‘Believe me, that would have been our preference as well,’ Loki said drily.

‘I hope it’s Doctor Doom, because he just escaped from SHIELD yesterday and Fury is up my ass about getting one of you to kidnap him back bef-‘

 _‘Ahem-hem,_ ’ a rather loud clearing of throat suddenly interrupted the sleep deprived human. ‘Move side please, my princes.’

Tony’s eyebrows shot to his fringe at the nasally voice. Definitely not Doctor Doom them.

The mortal watched under narrowing eyes as Thor and Loki parted, revealing a short man with bushy white hair and a brightly knitted robe whose color defied categorization and as far as Tony was concerned, all questions of taste and decency as well.

‘This is a shitty present for 3 o’clock in the morning, so you better not expect any kissing, kapish?’

‘Alas that he isn’t a present, mine future betroth,’ Thor said, ignoring the look of pure venom Loki shot him. ‘The Allfather has sent Lord Kirat down to meet you.’

Tony stare bounced from one sheepish face to the other. _‘Odin_ wants to give me things too?’

‘Lord Kirat’s presence;’ Loki said delicately. ‘Unfortunately would be something more in the nature of a summons.’

‘Whatever, he better not be trying to court me too; applications are closed.’ Tony stared at the diminutive man with distaste. ‘Who or what the hell are you, anyways?’

Lord Short Legs raised a speculative eyebrow, and Tony found himself surveyed like a piece of meat. He barely refrained from crossing his legs. ‘I am Kirat, first adviser to Allfather Odin, here to present an invitation from highest Asgard. Certain recent events here on this not _quite_ barren outpost have.. caught our eye, pertaining to some of the more recent _extracurricular_ activities of our royal princes.’

‘So what? I’m not interested unless you plan to pull them both back to your shining temple of gold by their errant and godly earlobes. Unless you can get me out of it?’ Out of the corner of his eye Tony could see his two suitors blanching on either sides. Interesting.

The disapproval radiating from the stumpy adviser could compete with a microwave. ‘We do not treat our royalty that way.’

Tony crossed his arms, unimpressed. ‘Yeah, and I can see the result of that. If fact, I’m _feeling_ the results of Odin’s A+ parenting, and let me tell you-‘

‘You need not press your suit, for long and hard has Odin mused over the challenge of your _situation_ ,’ Lord Kirat interjected smoothly. ‘Thus, in light of both his sons irredeemably behaving, by the Allfather’s own words; ‘like lusty wolves fighting over the mating rights of a mongrel bitch in heat-‘

‘Watch the word choice, bubba,’ Tony barked.

‘I would have preferred an eagle reference,’ Loki muttered.

‘-the Allfather has summoned all involved parties to Asgard, there to adjudicate the matter and restore honour to the House of Odin,’ Short and Greasy ploughed on undaunted.

‘Absolutely not,’ the human barked, swivelling his gaze between Thor and Loki in turn, but they both seemed to be terribly occupied with staring a hole through the floor (Thor) or mutinously muttering to themselves about loss of dignity (Loki).

‘You do not have an option in the matter.’

 _‘Hmppf.’_ Tony crossed his arms. ‘And if I refuse to show up?’

‘Refusal is death,’ Lord Kirat announced pleasantly, ‘although of course one sees how you might find that preferable.’

Tony arched an eyebrow at the two princes. ‘Are you two champions going to let him threaten me like that?’

Thor cleared his throat uncomfortably. ‘The Allfather’s word is law, beloved one. To disobey him would be treason. But upon my word, father would never deign to hurt you.’

‘Some use you turned out to be,’ Tony snorted. But the fact that even Loki refrained from insulting the snooty little dwarf was rather telling, and he had a feeling Lord Kirat would be the sort of guy who’d only have to snap his fingers to make very nasty things happen.

Sort of like a magical and much shorter version of Tony, in other words. 

‘Fine. Fine, I’ll go tell his royal highness myself to keep a leash on his two cubs.’

‘You are wiser than you look, perhaps there is small merit in the misplaced affections of our princes, although it will likely not be enough,’ the drawf sniffed. ‘We shall make ready for you; Thor will bring you through the bifrost on the morrow. Fare thee well, Starkson.’

Tony raised an eyebrow as Lord Kirat disappeared in a shower of sparks. They disappeared into his fringe when  Loki actually _slumped_ in relief in front of him and Thor.

‘A most uncanny choice of messengers from Father,’ Loki said with grim relief.

‘Creepy little shit. So what will I expect from daddy’O? Five cents tour? More bad-tempered dwarfs? Planetary alliance taken to a whole new level?’

‘It is hard to predict.’ Thor frowned. ‘Prechance merely to ask of your intentions. Likely they will talk at length about the impossibility of union between mortal and god and impose new rullings, though it is hard to tell on who. In the worst scenario-’ he trailed off and looked at his brother; that Loki himself seemed apprehensive was a sure sign of trouble, Tony knew.

_‘What?’_

‘It is common for competing suitors to bring their suit into battle,’ Loki said.

Tony blanched. ‘Surely you don’t plan to really kill each other.’

Their twin gazes at Tony was both patronising and possessive. ‘We will do what we must to win you.’

‘Groovy. Great. Really takes the cake,’ Tony threw up his hands. ‘I’m going back to bed, to nurse my 1% chance that all this never took place, and- _what?’_

‘It will be a long journey for us both tomorrow, ’ Thor said earnestly, ‘- perhaps we can come in and relieve ourselves-‘

Tony slammed the door in both their faces and went back to bed.

*

The throne room of Asgard has a lot of gilding. Whatever sort of planet the Asir inherited, its one that practically shits gold, and Tony was going crossed eyed from all the way everything reflected everything else.  As for the Allfather, Odin turned out to be a hefty cross between Santa Clause and a very large, very disagreeable killer bear. His voice, when he choose to raise it, gave Tony no doubts to whom Thor owed his thunderous one to.

Odin’s his first words to Tony were egregious indeed.

‘I had expected someone _taller.’_

Mortally offended, Tony drew himself fully up to all five feet three inches. ‘Yeah? Well I expected someone who could afford a more decent interior decorator.’

‘How dare you so offend the king of great Asgard, mortal?’ Lord Kirat stepped forward to roar at him. ‘Entire species have perished for less.’

Beside him the two princes started inching away, although Loki smirked as he did so and looked more besotted than ever as he did so.

‘Be patient Kirat, it is the mewling of a toothless cub.’  Odin waved his advisor away.

‘And maybe you need to keep _your_ two overgrown cubs on a leash, instead of letting them tear through space attempting to rut with everything that moves-‘

‘Outrageous,’ Loki piped up indignantly from the side of the dais where he had been cowering. ‘The god of mischief does not _rut._ ’

‘Their rutting is of no consequence,’ Odin dismissed. ‘ Nay, it is the natural exuberance of the young to seek to sow their seeds far and wide, but for both my sons to come to _you,_ red knight, not just a male incapable of reproduction but _mortal_ to boot, and immediately declare their intentions to wed, I can only surmise that foul sorcery if afoot?’

But Tony had lost the plot. ‘Wed? Wed? Did you say wed as in _wedding?_   Wed as in, _matrimonial knot of death and despair?’_

‘Do you deny that with one fell stroke you have both my sons and the very future of Asgard itself within your mortal grasp? What is it you wish? Treasure? Power? Eternal life? I can grant them to you, once you release my sons from their enchantment.’

‘Sorry to knock you one, but it’s your sons that need to release me.’ Tony drew himself to height, which admittedly wasn’t very much, but hey, he made use of every space inch, threw it around like a _boss. ‘_ And nobody’s getting married to anybody, least of all me.’

As the court begun to murmur, The Allfather turned his beady one-eyed gaze to his sons. ‘And what have you two to say to this? Thor, did you not say to this very court that the migardian was on the verge of accepting your proposal?’

‘Verily, and if not for Loki’s constant schemes, I am certain of my success!’

‘Actually I-’ Tony said.

Loki cuts him off with a sneer. ‘Ah yes, project your grandiose little fantasies into the _real_ world, brother. As is your wont. As you must do because you can’t face the truth, that Stark favours _me.’_

Thor didn’t quite draw his hammer, but the thunder that struck the royal balcony was more than adequate display of his feelings. ‘You lie! Always lies!’

The rest of the court begun inching away, but Loki was apparently quite undaunted by the bits of ceiling plaster flaking overhead, and raised his voice to match his brother. ‘It is _me_ whom Anthony would name betrothed-’

‘Over my dead body!’ Thor roared as he raised his arms to summon-

‘SILENCE, the both of you!’ Odin’s staff thundered against the floor, sending ripples through the room that tumbled his two sons onto their backsides. Tony escaped only by virtue of grabbing onto a conveniently placed, if heavily armoured bosom. Asgardian women must be made of sterner stuff than back home, because she didn’t even flinch.

Thor drew himself to height once the room had stopped shaking. ‘A father must choose.’

‘Then we know who would win by _default,_ wont we?’ Loki shouted, looking quite uncaring of his undignified sprawl from the floor.

‘You are the same as me! How dare you accuse our father-‘

‘Would Odin stand accused of favouritism? Then the choice shall be on merit, so that men know that not every favoured prize goes to the golden haired heir who can do no wrong,’ Loki spat.

Thor raised his voice hotly. ‘If that were the case it would be _you_ that father would give Anthony to, since in his eyes Anthony is clearly not a favoured prize.’

Tony finally had enough. ‘Ok I’m out of here. This will go on forever,’ the mortal said as he spun smartly around-

And was instantly blocked by half a dozen weapons.

‘On second thought, forever doesn’t take that long. I can wait.’

Odin however, wasn’t blessed with the same patience. ‘These displays go nowhere and my sons are overwrought. On the morrow, we shall we reconvene.’

‘No father,’ Thor repudiated hotly, ‘for a pause is no more than the chance for a _liesmith_ to spin more webs. I challenge Loki to the Verity Duel.’

Tony misliked the sudden ripple of shock that broke through the throne room and the resigned look on Odin’s face. ‘Wait what?’

Loki’s usually pale face had gone totally bloodless, crossed over with complex emotions, and Tony took a step towards him without thinking. But the god’s eyes had snapped over to his and immediately gathered such shields upon itself that Tony could almost see him physically armouring.

By the time the trickster god gazed up again his eyes was dark and cold. ‘I accept your duel,’ Loki snarled, ‘and shall take every care to see it is your _last.’_

Thor’s laughter was loud and bitter. ‘But we know, brother, who tends to _win_ these things.’

‘Enough,’ the King said. ‘If the challenge is accepted, so then it shall be fulfilled in three days hence in the Warrior’s Ring. ‘My sons are both still young and foolish men and I shall lose one of you to this extravagance of pride, but there is no help for it. Lord Kirat, see this vexatious duel listed in the book of pledges and carried out to its honourable conclusion.’

Tony blanched. ‘Look look look I have no idea what happened, but can we all take a minute to think about how bad an idea this is?’

 ‘Our ways of dispute settlement are old but time honoured, dear Anthony’ Thor said gallantly. ‘I shall explain all as we are walking to your quarters, with the Allfather’s leave.’

‘Thor was part of the greeting party at the bridge,’ Loki challenged. ‘I shall be the one to escort Anthony to his chambers.’

‘Very well,’ Odin looked as tired of the whole thing as Tony felt. ‘We don’t want anybody else getting too close to this mortal – two lovesick gods is work enough for this kingdom.’

‘I don’t have Asgardian love cooties,’ Tony groused, but he grudgingly allowed the god of mischief to take his arm. God alone knows if Loki would still have a pulse to call his own by the end of the week.

Once out of earshot Tony attempted, unsuccessfully, to persuade the god to throw the fight. That went predictably well, which is to say Tony shouted and tore his hair out and Loki talked down to him and generally ignored everything coming out of the mortal’s mouth whilst staring at his face as if attempting to memorize every line.

Eventually Tony gave up. He’d have more luck convincing Loki to move to Asgard’s castle to Disneyland. Go with the flow. Think of something _badass_ to save the day _._ He can do that. Tony Stark is a _master_ of rolling with the times.

Horrors upon horrors, the walk actually proved to be a much needed diversion and turned pleasant eventually, and Tony found himself enjoying the refreshing change of having an _actual_ conversation with Loki, impressed with the trickster’s unique perspectives of fortification, strategy, and his ideas of the management of a kingdom.

Some of Loki’s ideas were actually _good._ Unconventional, but good. He was actually disappointed when they finally arrived at the front door of his allocated ~~prison~~  bedchambers.

‘This is surprisingly good as far as prison duty goes.’

Loki raised a suggestive brow because he was a fucking opportunist. ‘Perhaps a kiss for my troubles?’

Tony decided the best course would be to ignore him. ‘What’s that beyond that screen?’

‘Iðunn’s orchard. I’d take you but I’m not sure you’d be able to see over it.’

‘Enough with the short jokes already.’

‘Really Stark, you are the perfect height to be wrapped around my-’

‘Just so you know there is absolutely no need to finish that sentence.’

‘Stark,’ Loki sighs, ‘at this rate I’m not sure _either_ of us will survive this wooing for much longer. If I am to die on the morrow, I would rather you know my attentions were never… arbitrary. ’

There was something tender and fleeting in the air, and surely whatever air Asgard had that they were breathing in was making them stupid because even Loki didn’t look half as confident as he usually did strutting around Stark Tower back home. The expression on Loki’s face scared him a little. And if Tony was to be honest, made his chest hurt for reasons he never intended to ever admit, even to himself.

‘Goodnight, Anthony,’ the prince of lies said gravely, and the honesty in his voice was painful to hear when he added, ‘I shall think upon you often tonight.’

And then he was gone, leaving Tony in a room gleaming with so many pointless embellishments that his eyes hurt.

*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr: Lokitini](http://lokitini.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

4

It was Thor who turned up at Tony’s door to accompany him the next morning.

Tony whistled as he pulled open the door. ‘Looking good, blondie. Did something to your hair?’

‘You are kind to say so, but I am simply as I am. Shall we to breakfast?’

Tony pursed his lips but didn’t contradict this, taking his time to let his eyes rove over the god whilst Thor blathered on about ‘wonderous Asgard’ and all her sights. There was definitely something different about Thor in his own habitat, something _better_. He literally glowed with health; hair a burnished gold against a midnight blue cloak that Tony had never seen him wear back on earth.

Watching him move around the palace grounds, Tony thought the god actually looked… striking. Almost majestic. Why had he never noticed how graceful Thor really was, albeit in vastly different ways from Loki?

Intrigued, the human crawled through his memories. Thor had always looked out of place on earth; vaguely lost. Far more so than his brother who, for all his craziness, was a fluid and flexible creature, quick to assume new forms.

Thor seemed so much happier here, and lighter. Which might not be such a great thing, when taking into consideration he’s about to beat his own brother to death with a hammer tomorrow. Or at least attempt to.

Still, it was pleasant to see him so at home with his surroundings. Pleasant enough that it made Tony wonder if the god stayed on earth out of duty alone.

‘You know, Asguardian air seems to suit you far better, big boy. ‘

Thor brightened up at his words. It was a bit like seeing a lamp being turned on.

‘She is glorious is she not? And she is _home_.’ He says this in the quietest, most touching display of pleasure Tony had ever seen from the god. ‘To awaken to the blessing of her light upon my brow, to have her as the gentlest of guides on mine night flights, or her caresses from the vista of mine balcony… ah Tony, a more kingly life I could not imagine but to serve Asgard always. For she is the cradle of gods, most blessed of the realms. She is the highest of all things.’

 _Wow._ Tony swallowed, because his friend had looked almost _beautiful_ while saying that, the sunlight somehow gleaming golden on his skin.

Clearly he’d been missing out on more than he’d realised.

They walked to the breakfast room together, and Tony found that he was not at all chagrined to be hanging on Thor’s every word.

*

Tony ended up stuck with Thor for the remainder of the day.

Unfortunately he meant that literally. As in plastered behind him on the back of an eight-legged horse and mostly trying to hang on for dear life.

Thor had showed him a very different side to Asgard from his brother, and whilst they rode they talked of many things; his eventual coronation, the relationships Thor intended to forge between worlds and with Midgard in particular, the far-flung sights he planned to show Tony if he lived past tomorrow’s battle with Loki. It was all in all, a rather brilliant ride, and one of the better conversations he’d ever had with the Thunderer.

The only thing that marred Tony’s day was his inability to sway both brothers in any way to throw tomorrow’s ridiculous cockfight. His well prepared speech on why fighting over him despite his hot body and inherent good looks was an act of idiocy fell on Thor’s deaf ears the same way it had on Loki’s - not that he’d truly expected any differently. They were brothers for a reason.

‘To think I used to wonder how you grew up together and turned out so different. _Pffthh._ You’re both stubborn as mules.’

‘Verily so,’ Thor proclaims this as though it’s something to be proud of, ‘-and we also have the same taste in-‘

‘Let’s not go there today, big guy,’ Tony said firmly. ‘I’m actually having a good time for once.’

Thor grinned. ‘It shall be as you say, beloved.’

Tony huffed at the endearment, but wisely chose to let it go.

They dismounted at the palace gates in the evening and lead the horses around the barbican and through the courtyard on foot, conversing quietly in the dimming light. As usual Tony peered around the palace grounds, but Loki was nowhere to be found, having taken the day to disappear into ‘training’, although Tony suspected it probably involved  booby trap making. Or knife sharpening.

‘Your brother is really good at keeping himself hidden when he doesn’t want to be found,’ Tony finally says when his curiosity gets the better of him.

He could feel Thor stiffening beside him.  ‘Why? Do you miss him?’

‘I’m not playing that game. I won’t choose between you Thor, I already told you that. And one miserable sword fight is not going to change anything, I don’t _care_ what Odin says.’

‘But beloved, if you would but choose between us and end this impasse, then there would be _no_ fight-‘

‘Thor, don’t you feel even a little bit bad about a competition that clearly favours your talents over Loki’s?’

The way the blond god looked at him, you'd would think he’d caught Tony drowning puppies by the lake.

‘You favour mine brother’s suit over mine. As might be expected in such endeavours of the heart, for he is comelier in appearances and smoother in persuasion.’

‘What the hell? No! I mean no, I d-‘

‘Thus has Loki ever been able to compel your gaze,’ Thor added mournfully, ‘and steal away your thoughts before mine own eyes.’

‘Oh god, _why_ is everything a competition with the two of you?’

‘Because there is only one of you.’

Tony opened his mouth… and discovered he had absolutely no retort to that.

‘Shit. Never thought I’d see the day _you_ out-maneuver me, Thor.’ He watched the blond god laugh quietly in reply and added, ‘You know, Asgard truly does something to you. Why don’t you - I donno - stay here instead of going back to earth?’

‘You want to stay in Asgard,’ Thor looked delighted. Tony pinched his nose, trying to fend off the faint stirrings of a migraine.

‘Thor, surely you know I wanted to be home like yesterday. I don’t want any of this. But you should stay here. Where you’re clearly happier. And have, you know - shinier hair.’

The blond warrior looked silently at him, and Tony started to shuffle. ‘Forget I said that. Earth has amazing hair conditioners-‘

‘Tis as I feared then,’ Thor repeated quietly, ‘ you favour mine brother more.’

‘For the last time, I _didn’t_ say that.’

‘I do not blame you for it. He is-‘ Thor broke away; sighed. ‘You are well matched in ways I could not hope to compete.’

‘Thor, I just want to ask you a question, ok? Don’t – just answer as best as you can.’

Thor frowned. ‘I will do my best.’

‘Because I just don’t get it. Why me? We live in the same tower. You never showed a preference before-‘

‘Anthony-‘

‘-and me, I’m just too… _pffft_ too self-obsessed to pay attention when you talked about the cute brunete in the lab coat from, but weren’t you in love? I mean, what’s this about? Is it about your brother?’

‘Anthony, I would not-‘

‘Because _Loki,_  Loki I understand. I mean I don’t, but we’ve already established he’s sort of insane. You however-‘

‘Because you shine like the sun,’ Thor finally took to bellowing out in a great rush, and Tony finally stopped talking.

‘Tis true. You do. You have a star in your heart; a great and powerful energy that will not be diminished. You protect, but not blindly. You’re fierce and true. You have bluster like mine, and heart; you have the easy generosity of the sun. But you also have cunning and wit like mine brother’s, and like him you are seduced by puzzles; by grey and shadowed things. We are enamoured by the safety of your speech, knowing that even as it disgruntles us, we can ever rely on its honesty. No, Anthony. It is no wonder to me that you have beguiled us both. The only wonder is that it did not happen sooner.’

There was absolutely nothing Tony would be able to say that would make any sort of a half decent reply. Nor was cracking a joke appropriate, which was really saying something about how touched he really felt at those words.

Tony swallowed. Thor’s open-hearted bravery extended not only to acts of valor, but to the choice expressions of his words as well. He didn’t always understand everything, but when he did –

Thor’s expressive moments were – _very_ expressive. A lot like a blow to the head with a hammer, really.

Tony finally cleared his throat. ‘Well. That was disturbingly heartfelt and flattering.’

The blond man took a deep breath. ‘Tomorrow in the fighters circle I shall throw the fight and let- I shall let mine brother-‘

He wasn’t thinking, he supposed, when he reached up and kissed Thor of his own violation, eliciting a gasp that was quickly turned into an eager moan.  It was a tad weird, rubbing facial hair. But weird, Tony was finding out, was not necessarily bad.

Weird could be accommodated for, to some extent it could even grow to one day be… pleasure.

It was with this in mind that Tony deepened his kiss, drawn in for the first time by Thor’s enthusiasm rather than repelled, and rapidly losing himself in the heady, musk-tinted embrace.

Thor’s tongue is _surprisingly_ dexterous.

Asgardian air, he told himself dizzily. Tony should find a way to _can_ it.

‘Ah, my soft-hearted Anthony,’ the blond god said ruefully when he finally untangled himself, ‘there is reason indeed to love you.’

‘Is that why you’re moving away?’ Tony asked, confused. Wasn’t he finally being demonstrative, and now the big goon was playing hard to get?

‘Methinks perhaps I have been mistaken, in thinking I could convince you into liaison the way I would the people of mine own country. You are not Asguardian, and would that I have courted you in a manner more befitting your world, perha-‘

Tony whipped around, cutting him of. ‘Did you hear that?’

‘Hear what?’

Thor didn’t see it, but Tony felt certain that the swirl of green caught out of the corner of his eye and the chill in the air was not just a random turn in the weather.

And probably didn't bode well.

*

Tony had alway thought Gladiator was awesome, as far as movies go. It had testosterone; honor and glory. It had wine and women, gratuitous fighting, a satisfactory amount of swearing. Most of all it had _revenge_. What was there not to like?

Plenty, as it turns out, and Tony was finding this out the hard way. When blood was being spilled with you as the prize: the blood of brothers with the obvious advantage to Thor apparent to all, there was nothing funny about knowing somebody was going to die, and it was going to be all _his_ fault.

And when Loki had walked out into the Warriors Ring, it was clear as day that whatever he had secreted himself away for, it’d done the dark haired god more hindrance than help because Loki was barely _walking_ straight. The god of mischief looked miserable. Almost wretched. Tony had never seen him look so defeated, not even when he’d been hauled away from earth muzzled and in chains. He’d had always rocked this whole angsty tormented look, but this had gone beyond gothic cosplay and leather obsession; this was sheer, unadulterated grief that sat on Loki’s face, unmasked and unschooled, and it felt wrong, devastatingly so.

‘What the hell,’ Tony muttered as he watched the god stagger into the ring. The reason for his unsteadiness soon became apparent when Loki unearthed a flask from god-knows-what dimension and proceeded to drink himself into an early grave.

The crowds were murmuring amongst themselves; in the raised platform of the ring where Odin and his court were ensconced, Lord Kirat was facetiously making some announcement about the rules of engagement.

Tony waited, but nobody seemed particularly concerned about Loki’s inebriated state as Lord Kirat droned on and on.

‘I OBJECT!’ Tony finally bellowed. ‘This challenge is ridiculous; Loki can’t possibly fight in this state!’

‘His state is of no consequence, Red Knight. Prince Loki is well acquainted of the nature of Verity Duels,’ Lord Kirat snootily palavered. ‘The time for parley is over.’

Tony glared at Odin, who returned it with a look blacker than thunder, as if it was all _his_ fault. From the compound, Loki blew him a mocking kiss and attempted to raise his spear in salute, only to stumble back several steps and almost fall to the ground.

Incensed beyond measure, the mortal shot to his feet.

‘STOP! YOU STOP THIS CRAP RIGHT NOW.’ Tony vaulted over the bars and started climbing down to the ring.

‘Red Knight of Migard, thoust cannot venture into the Ring of Warriors!’

‘I’m not having your crazy alien blood on my hands, fuck you very much.’

Lord Kirat looked at Odin, who did some two finger wavy thing. Tony gave them both the finger as he picked his way through the sandy pit, ignoring Thor’s worried calling as he trailed behind him and the crowd’s excited buzzing.

His righteous anger gives way once he reaches Loki however. ‘I thought getting pissed was more Thor’s thing,’ he said quietly.

Loki swings around to face him, and his expression is both mockingly solicitous. ‘And why shouldn’t I take a leaf from my brother, since he seems to be doing such a _fine_ job of winning your favour?'

The god staggered again. 'To you, Sir Anthony, Red Knight of Migard. For having brought not just one, but two gods down to heel without lifting a finger.’ Tony watches him empty his flask and shatter it on the ground between them. ‘A token of Loki’s heart, my dearest, and the pi- pieces it lies in before you.’

Tony watched under narrowed eyes as Loki made a low bow that almost swept his chest to the ground, rising with a mocking flourish and snapping around. ‘It is a useless thing to have a heart. Do with it what you will,’ he said, and walked away. Or at least attempted to. 

‘Merlin’s tits but you’re just the fucking _queen_ of melodramatic exists, did you know that,’ Tony shouted on to Loki’s back, unheeding of the crowd of Asgard’s finest or whoever that was watching them from beyond the ring - fuck them all, he was sick of the circus. ‘You are one perfidious little brat, Loki, and if you take one step out of there and go poof like the most incredible coward-‘

Loki’s back had stiffened so much, it looked like somebody had shoved a the mast of a ship up his ass. _Good._

‘What. Did you just call me.’

‘A coward, a brat, and a sore loser,’ Tony snapped. ‘Yeah, suck it up, Reindeer Games.’

‘You dare to-‘

‘NO LOKI, YOU DARE TO! I like you _as much_ as I like Thor, you stupid cunt. I like you and dislike you _both_ in equal measures, so sue me. You gods! You turn up and just crash into things and kiss me from here to Sunday _without permission_ –‘

‘I do what I want!’

‘Yeah you do whatever the fuck you want, the both of you!’

‘You go too far, mortal,’ Loki bit out furiously, ‘-you are no more than the puniest of life forms, the puniest in the whole of the nine realms- _how dare you speak thus-_ ‘

‘- what you all deserve is an entire planet, an entire solar system of _atheists!_ ’ the human ended his rant with a shout that echoed through the ring.

Loki drew back, and so did Tony, and for a long moment, nobody spoke into the tense silence.

‘Boy, that sure aired the dirty laundry.’

‘So the truth reveals itself-’ Loki’s shoulders were slumping at an angle the human had never seen before. ‘-you hate us so.’

For some reason, it was suddenly a good time for Tony to stare at the sky. ‘Quite the opposite actually. But you didn’t respect me. Neither of you did. You didn’t bother ask me what I wanted; what I still want. I don’t care how you roll here, but where I come from that’s not done.’

He looked at the god, straight and plain as he could make himself. ‘So let’s do this again, Loki. Tell me what you want, and I’ll tell you what I want.’

‘All of Asgard at my feet,’ Loki said dryly.

‘Right. _Goodbye.’_

‘Wait. Wait,’ the god held up a hand. ‘Peace Anthony, I merely jest. I-‘

Tony waited. Counted to fifty and waited some more. The crowd, which had apparently surged to their feet during their altercation, sat back down.

Loki took a deep breath. ‘I want-‘

‘Go on Jingles.’ The human lifted an encouraging eyebrow. ‘Yes?’

‘I-‘

Tony tapped his foot. ‘Anytime now, Loki.’

More time passed, and the sounds of Thor’s gentle snoring floated by. Tony gulped down the last sip of his tasty if unidentifiable cocktail and passed his goblet back to the waiting attendant, wiping his face and hands on the cool scented towels. Whatever could be said about this backwater kingdom, the standards of service were _very_ good. Hell, if not for all that _godly_ propensity to kiss and kill, Tony wouldn't mind prolonging his stay.

He stared around the ring. Thor was still asleep, and the bilgesnipe skewers were doing a roaring trade as spectators turned the ring into a picnic ground; even Odin was digging in. Clearly they knew their princes well and expected to be here for some time. Some of the spectators were having their portraits sketched out on parchments to commemorate the day.

Sighing, Tony turned back to the struggling second prince.

‘Loki, clearly this whole expressing yourself thing is very difficult for you. I get it. Not my thing either. Look, I’ll give you an out-’

‘I don’t want as you so kindly put it, ‘an out’,’ Loki said stiffly. ‘I want to be able to tell you how I feel, without spinning a web around it or laying a thousand detractions. I want you, Anthony. For once in my life, I want something that hasn’t been passed down or isn’t a consolation prize-’

‘Are you really going to play that orphan card again?’

Loki’s words rode over him, as usual. ‘..but I have nothing and no one. And for one brief moment, I thought I would have _you,_ at least.’ Green eyes glittered with memories. ‘Something of my own. Someone who loved me back, who only loved _me_ back.’

‘Adopted or not you’re still goddamn _prince_ , Loki, stop comparing yourself to gritty street rats who haven’t got two sickles to rub together.‘ Tony rebuked. ‘You’ve flogged that dead horse for how many hundred years now? I’m not going to live that long, just in case you haven’t noticed. You wanted a shot at me, here’s your chance. Now are you going to take it, or are you going to sulk?’ 

 _‘Anthony_. Does that mean- would you continue-‘ the heart-breakingly vulnerable expression on Loki’s face made Tony flinch.

‘I’m not promising anything,’ Tony sighed, ‘And I’m _not_ choosing between you both. Gods or not, you gotta get that into your thick skulls, OK? We’ll… share. ’

‘Brother-‘ Thor dared to take a step forward. ‘You do not have to do this, I will step away from Anthony, and le- .’

‘I’m not your brother,’ Loki bit out, but then his expression strained and he choked on his words. ‘But perhaps we can consider working out an… arrangement.’

‘You are willing to parley?’ Thor’s voice was unbelieving. ‘You will.. make compromise? For us?’

‘For _Anthony._ ’ Loki emphasized with a growl. ‘Do not think I’m growing soft for _you,_ _Thunderer.’_

‘Whatever. Are we settled? No more bloodshed? No more drama?’

Thor looked like he was on the verge of tears. Again. ‘I am awed beyond words at your endless capacity for true heroics, Anthony. You have given me back my brother, something even great Odin struggled to address.’

‘But of course. Never doubted it for a second,’ Tony lied, rocking on his heels and basking just the tiniest bit in the cheering beyond the ring.

‘I’m still not your brother,’ Loki groused, but the resigned expression on his face spoke volumes.

Tony lifted his hands to the spectators beyond them. ‘There, your two precious princes still in one piece!’ He roared to the crowd. ‘Are you happy now? _Fucking Asgardians!’_

The cheering turned into thunder. Actually, there _was_ real thunder in the distance, because Thor was weeping, and hugging his brother who was patting him awkwardly on the back. Tony vaguely made out the spectacle of Odin and his entire court rising to their feet, but soon found himself getting buried under a shower of falling alien flowers to pay much attention.

‘It just figures,’ he muttered to himself when his nose twitched and his eyes watered for reasons very different from Thor. A ferocious sneeze rose from him, and then another. And subsequently non-stop for a good few minutes.

Dimly he could hear Lord Kirat calling his name. Tony would answer, but he was busy trying to swim out of the pool of flowers and sneezing from pollen overload. He could hear the crowd chanting his name over and over, which wasn’t too bad as far as holiday experiences went, but got tiresome real fast.

Tony was so busy avoiding getting brained by falling flowers (very much larger and surprisingly heavy on Asgard, like everything had a tendency to be) that he barely noticed that Odin had been making some sort of speech until Thor jabbed him in the ribs.

‘-which none shall force upon you save of your own free will,’ Odin was droning, to wild response from the crowd.

All Tony was capable of in between bouts of sneezing was to raise a very confused brow. ‘Come again?’

‘You will curb Thor’s exuberance and bring new layers into his… limited dimensions. And you will fetter Loki’s self-destructive tendencies whilst always telling him the truth. Left to their own devices my sons would tear whole worlds apart, attempting to outdo the other. You, Tony Stark, are the perfect go-between. You, Tony Stark, is Asgard’s best hope for a stable realm-‘ at this Odin broke off and his brows furrowed, ‘if a little irregular. And _very_ short.’

 ‘And conveniently out of your hair too,’ Tony pointed out. ‘Just how the fuck do you think this would work between us? There’s still only one of me, in case it slipped your attention.’

‘I’m sure you’ll figure it out,’ the Allfather said with a wave. ‘After all you are human, are you not? And your short lives spans have made you a species unprecedented with creativity. I have no doubts my boys will be safe in your hands.’

‘I’m not so sure about my own safety in their hands,’ Tony sighed, but instead of commiseration the entire ring broke into raucous laughter, and in the end he was forced to bow and walk away stiffly, ears burning with embarrassment at the very graphic suggestions the court supplied.

 _Stupid_ Asgardians.                  

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, I had so much trouble with this stupid chapter. I'm sorry to keep extending the story, but we're almost, almost done. There's a an epilogue coming - thank you so much for staying with me!
> 
> Tony/Loki/Thor won. By a landslide. You kinky bastards :P


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, with the year coming to a close and no final chapter despite my best efforts - I almost gave up on this fic. The smut gave me so much problems, I wanted tear my hair out! Luckily the stars aligned, or one of you prayed REALLY hard or spent your precious Xmas wish on this... so here it is published at last after one last and frantic push. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your patience, and for staying with me till the end. I love you all. 
> 
> A very happy new year to all the Frostiron readers out there. <3

 

 

 

 

5

The din and celebrations continued throughout the day, echoed through the ancient and vaulted ceilings of the royal palace. Apparently there was plenty to celebrate, the well publicized lover’s tiff of the Odinson family being the first time that such a quarrel had been solved ‘amicably’ on this alien plane. Which apparently meant that as long as all parties were still alive at the end of the argument with their limbs intact, everyone was happy. Unprecedentedly happy.

Everyone except Tony.

Alright fine, he was actually kind of happy too. _Cautiously_ happy. You know, happy with _brains,_ seeing that nobody else around seemed to have any.

He’d tried to avoid the celebrations and sneak off whenever there was a lull. Unfortunately, a lack of familiarity with the hundreds of identical golden corridors in Odin’s stupid palace had proved a drawback, and each time Tony had tried to sneak off he’d inadvertently been discovered and dragged back to the feast.

By nightfall, he’d lost count of the number of times his back had been slapped by people whose biceps were bigger than their heads - and he’s pretty sure his spine is out of alignment in several places.

Tired of telling the same story for the twentieth time, Tony seeked out either of the Odin brothers, well aware that this is first time he’d actively hunted them out. Upon such seemingly insignificant events is the course of history altered.

Surprisingly, both Loki and Thor were standing with their heads bent together, having an actual conversation without raised voices or a surfeit of overturned tables and broken furniture.

Naturally Tony was immediately suspicious. ‘What are you both up to?’

‘We have been behaving, beloved,’ Thor said brightly. ‘Mine brother and I have been discussing the merits of joint rulership. Loki had been telling me of Midgard’s tendency to rule by ‘portfolios’, and we both felt this is rather brilliant idea for me to bring up with father tomorrow.’  

Tony whistled. ‘Twenty four hours ago you were ready to split your own brother into half and now look at you go. I’m actually proud of the both of you.’

‘Your doing, beloved.’ Loki smiled, well aware of his own heart-stopping charm and Tony could feel himself flush with one too many mugs of alien ale. Manipulative little shit. No doubt he was about to follow up with something more dastardly, Tony felt glad for the first time that Thor had his back. In more than one way.

Tony cleared his throat. ‘Uh, no. Nopes. Nothing to do with this, just want to be sent home pronto-’

He broke off when Thor’s face fell like a kicked puppy. ‘Beloved, do you truly wish to leave so soon? We are just begun celebrations- would you not consider staying another month or two before we returned to Midgard?‘

‘ _Oh'._ Tony shifted uncomfortably. 'I thought of leaving tomorrow, actually.' 

Thor's face fell at this pronouncement ‘I will of course inform father of your decision for us to leave, but I had perchance hoped that after all that transpired, we might stay here and cement the foundations of our new bond, before returning to our duties.’

It was like watching a plant die right in front of him, even Loki looked uncomfortable. Tony stared at a spot directly above Thor’s head and counted to ten before he spoke. ‘Thor you’re clearly happier in Asgard. A blind man can see that.  Hell I can see that, and Pepper calls me a blind fool in every GM. Stay here. I promise I’ll… visit.’

‘Yes brother,’ Loki chimed up with a poisonous purr, ‘- _d_ o be at ease that I will attending to Tony’s _every_ need whilst you stay here and play house, and I follow _our_ Tony back to midgard -

Tony rounded up on him. ‘And _you_. You have to take your brother’s place in the Avenger’s circle; we’ll be needing a new replacement.’

He eyed Loki’s paling face with a great deal of satisfaction.

_Surely you jest.’_

‘Nopes.’

‘But this is a vile punishment, beloved! Think but of Loki’s reputation!’

‘Considering half the things I hear this could only improve it,’ Tony  said, deciding to ignore for now Loki’s tendency to refer to himself in the third person. He’ll deal with it later. One battle at a time, that how strange medieval planets are conquered.

‘The shame of it,’ Loki moaned. ‘What will the other villains think!’

Thor’s face was smug as a toad in mud. _‘Henpecked_ comes to mind, good brother. Also unmanned, docile-’

The mortal immediately rounded up on him. ‘Shut it, you fusty, patriarchy-perpetuating Neanderthal. I’ll get back to you and we’re going to change things around here, kapish? Starting with whatever passes for school syllabus. And... moral studies, or whatever you call it.’

‘Yes beloved. Your kingdom.’

Tony raised an eyebrow, daring the brothers to challenge him. But they both gave him their most innocent expressions, which on Thor just made his face look constipated and on Loki – lets not even go there.

‘ _My_ kingdom, you say.’ he echoed. ‘Me. Tony Stark.’

‘Of course. Thor is yours now, and therefore all Asgard is yours. The gods will bow at your feet, or face mine fearsome wrath.’

His younger brother brandished a wicked dagger. ‘And if they do not obey you freely in the light of day, shall Loki make it exceedingly painful for them in the dim corridors of night.’

Tony swallowed and took a step back. ‘Ah. Well. Do let me think about it and get back to you.’

He turned around and hurried away, so that they would not see the grin spreading like melted butter on his face.

Maybe there was an upside to dating insufferable alien sibling gods.

In fact his stay in Asgard was beginning to look better and better by the minute

*

Hand still firmly on the door handle, Tony narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the uninvited inhabitants in his room.           

‘And what the flying fuck are you both doing in my bedroom?’

‘Beloved, we are here to claim our bedding-rights-‘ Thor announced brightly, before Loki elbowed him viciously in the ribs.

‘Your.’ Tony’s mouth hung open, then snapped shut. ‘Your _what-when-and-why-the-fuck?’_

‘What mine errant and thick-witted brother means to say-’ Loki begun placatingly, but Tony cut him off.

 _‘_ And why are you two showing up _together_? Makes me nervous. One of you at a time’s bad enough. ’

‘But beloved, tis celebrated all over the realm that we are _brothers_ again because of you-‘ Thor spoke earnestly- until Tony cut him off.

‘And I care about this _why?’_

‘Because you are the instrument of our cleaving together once again!’

‘Again, not sure if I give a damn.’

‘We would not ordinarily think to share the privilege,’ Loki sniffed grudgingly in explanation after Thor yanked at his cloak to indicate he should contribution. ‘Except that having been so… ah, _instrumental_ in mending our differences, the Allfather - nay all Asgard - felt it would be equally beneficial if we were to lay down the competitive nature of our suite and.. dine at the same table, so to speak.’ 

‘In other words, your whole goddamn fairy kingdom is roaring for us to have an orgy,’ Tony said, his tone flat.

‘As usual, you _drill_ into the very heart of the matter, Anthony,’ Loki replied archly in a voice that Tony thinks doesn’t get any more humanly suggestive than this.

Honestly, Tony’s first instinct was to say no. For real. But then he took in the deceptively meek, non-confrontational (yeah, right) mien of the two brothers standing there, loose limbed and open faced as they patiently waited upon his verdict, and his treacherous minds whispered  –  why the hell not?

And they were a tempting sight, side by side.  Dark and fair, fire and ice, like two sides of coin. Who was he to refuse, really, when Tony was the morsel they both wanted?

‘Are you sure this is going to work? I mean, its not that I don’t trust you two to play nice-‘ Tony broke off. ‘Actually yeah, I _don’t_ trust you two to play nice. And because of this, first and foremost, we’re going to lay out some ground rules.’

‘Ah ah ah,’ He held up an imperious finger before either price could voice his protest. ‘This is the _only_ way it works, kapish? Now. There will be no weapons on, under, or anywhere near the vicinity of the bed, no magic tricks, no spilling of blood, guts or confidences, and what happens in Asgard stays in Asgard, kapish? Now swear.’

‘I swear upon the Norns,’ Thor intoned with all formality.

Tony glared at Loki’s eye roll. ‘And you?’

‘You wouldn’t believe any vow _I_ made, anyways.’ The god groused, slouching onto the bed.

Tony sighed. ‘True. You’re a little hard to entrust to your own good behavior Loki. So do you know what I think you should do? You should strip and let Thor tie you up.’

Oh, but it was fun to see those green eyes widened so comically. ‘But I’ve never-’

‘Quiet. I’m the boss and I own both your asses now, didn’t you hear Odin say? To the victor the spoils and yadda yadda. Asgardians, pfffth, do you even have handcuffs? I’ll take that frantic headshake as a no. Summon your own bonds Loki, or we’ll use the bedsheets and wrap you up like a Chinese dumpling. You won’t see shit then, which means you won’t like it either.’

‘But beloved-‘ Loki wheedled, ‘I want to participate!’

‘Bonds,’ Tony ordered, clicking his fingers, ‘and make it snappy.  Thor, what are you standing there for? Strip!’

The blond god apparently, had mastered the art of five second stripping to the millisecond. ‘Yes beloved.’

‘While you’re at it, strip your brother too.’

Loki slapped his brother’s hands away as Thor hastened to obey. ‘Don’t touch me, your smelly brute.’

Tony opened his mouth to scold, but to his surprise it was Thor who wrestled Loki down onto the bad and started yanking off his leggings, leering at this brother as he pressed down upon him.

‘You have your orders Loki, and I have mine.’

Tony looked on, open mouthed and impressed as Thor tore all his clothes off and begun knotting Loki’s arms together behind him with the most _suspicious_ expertise. Even Loki had ceased to struggle and was staring at Thor as if he didn’t recognise him - wherever the sunny blond giant had learnt the art of tying intricate bondage knots that had Loki naked and trussed up in mere moments, Thor had kept it _very_ well hidden until now.

‘Have to say I totally didn’t see that coming,’ Tony murmured to nobody in particular.

Loki cleared his throat. ‘Well. Clearly you’ve a few hidden talents you neglected to tell us about, _brother_.’  

‘And you shall know them well tonight,’ Thor promised, and Tony found himself swallowing with apprehension at the look of dark promise on his face, smile as mysterious and smug as to rival any of Loki’s. Well shit. That was hot. Where had golden boy been hiding _that_ face _?_ His brother didn’t answer, but his face was clearly impressed and anticipatory. And when Thor bent down and bit his brother’s chest, Tony had to stuff a hand into his mouth to keep from moaning aloud at the inflammatory sight of Loki arched against Thor’s broad chest, held tight by his own conjured bonds.

 _‘_ Thor! _Ahhhhh!’_

Thor bit again, applying pressure, and the god of mischief trashed wildly against his bonds. Tony watched greedily, resisting the urge to stroke himself to the sight of Loki arching his long neck as Thor bit a path down his chest. The way the strips of dark cloth pressed into his pale flesh was a delicious sight; perverse, vulnerable, glimmering in the firelight.

‘Put him on his hands and knees and pull his hair.’ Tony whispered. He didn’t think he would be obeyed – was simply testing out the boundaries between them in the bedroom, pushing for limits, but he gasped as Thor immediately vaulted his brother’s long limbs onto the bed and fisted his hand into the long locks there, controlling Loki’s every movement.

‘Be still, brother,’ the blond rumbled. Loki shrieked, eyes widening at the assault. But he stayed pliant and ready – almost submissive in Thor’s hands, and they both looked at him for further instructions.

Only then does the reality of the situation hit him with the force of a gong to the head.

 _Oh my god,_ Tony thought as it finally sunk in that he could literally do _anything._ Anything he liked.

‘Fondle his balls.’

‘Your will, beloved.’ Thor said expectantly, and with one hand still firmly holding onto Loki’s hair, reached over and begun to tease Loki into a writhing mess of continuous low moans. Each time the younger god attempted to bend lower Thor would yank him up again by the hair, until Loki’s arms and legs trembled against the strain of keeping upright.

‘I do so enjoy it when you both cotton on,’ Tony sighed happily and beckoned to Thor. ‘Come here.’

The god abruptly left his incapacitated brother panting (whining with displeasure) on the bed at Tony’s command and instantly came to stand before him, expectant and waiting, although his nostrils were flared with aggression and his every muscle was tense and alert. 

‘Your will, beloved.’

Tony could feel his heart pounding as the giant stood before him. He lifted a palm to skim lightly through hard golden flesh.

 _‘Magnificent,_ ’ Tony murmured.    

Growling with dissatisfaction at the lack of action, Thor pulled Tony to him by his waist and kissed him with a ruthless thoroughness.

 _‘Mfffth,’_ Tony breathed, feeling impossibly aroused by the assault. It was so very easy to overlook the blond god with his strange mix of humble and arrogant. So easy to forget that Thor flowed with the blood of kings. And so strange that it is in the bedroom that he seems most regal.

Blue eyes, striking as thunder after rain. ‘We shall feast on you tonight, beloved, like we have meant.’

Tony licked his lips. ‘Is that so? Well I wouldn’t want to have wasted a trip here for nothing.’

Thor’s hands skimmed over him, before viciously grabbing his butt and squeezing in a way that nearly hauled Tony off the floor. It should have been awkward, but instead it was just insanely hot. Thor’s dexterous tongue pushed into his mouth as his fingers kneaded anything within reach – which was pretty much everything.

Thor’s fingers found his nipples and his mouth found Tony’s lips again, licked across his palate and swallowed every surprised moan that spilled from Tony’s mouth.

‘Gods, you’re fucking amazing _, fuck,_ I really didn’t see this coming-‘ Tony babbled as Thor started sucking on his clavicle, hands roaming all over Tony’s body and turning his muscles to jelly.

‘That’s enough kissing,’ Loki barks jealously at them from the foot of the bed.

‘Me thinks Silvertongue needs to be better occupied with his mouth,’ Thor slyly suggested. With his sexual confidence and wry quirk of lip, he was at the most urbane Tony had ever seen him.

Trust Thor to need to be naked to be mean.

‘Me thinks you’re right.’ The firstborn prince grinned, and pulled Tony towards the bed where the younger god was currently still uncomfortably trussed up.

Confronted and outnumbered Loki seemed to lose confidence now that he realised he was being ganged up on. ‘What do you think you’re about to do?’

Thor looked back at him. ‘Your will, beloved.’

Ton made a snap decision. ‘Gag him. After all the trouble he’s caused, some corporal punishment would not go amiss.’

Tony doesn’t think he’d be forgetting the look of shock on Loki’s face anytime soon. Or ever. 

_'You dare-‘_

The rest of his words were stoppered with a gag in Loki’s mouth by a _very_ happy Thor. ‘Just following orders, brother, do not look at me that way.’

‘Perhaps he’s hungry for cock.’

‘Punishment _first,_ ’ Thor announced with great satisfaction, and Tony cocked an eyebrow at him.

 _‘Very impressive_ , Mr Odinson.’

‘We should have forced him to conjure his own paddle.’

‘I have a slipper somewhere around here, where is it-’ Tony unceremoniously upended his suitcase and triumphantly held up a pair of extravagant bedroom slippers. ‘Indian calf leather; one very stubborn hide for another. In other words, a match made in heaven.’

Gleefully they both tipped the struggling god of mischief over Thor’s knees. Loki’s face was red as beetroots and he attempted to protest through his gag - Tony didn’t have any doubt whatsoever that his tongue would be blistering the air with curses by now.

Too damn bad.

He watched with too much glee as Thor held on to Loki’s wrist, forcing him over his knees and ignoring his brother's frantically shaking head.

‘Beloved, you should do the honor.’

This was fantastic. Heady with a rush of power, Tony considered his options. After a courtship where Tony had been relegated into the role of an invisible… here he was, snapping the whip - and Tony was in a mood to be _mean._

‘This is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me, _darling.’_

He raised his arm and brought it down hard on the pale backside with a smack.

Loki shrieked past his gag, and Tony grinned. ‘Oh come on, I’m sure you Asgardians would hardly feel that.’

The spanking went on for many happy moments, room ringing with rhythmic slaps and muffled shrieking, followed by groaning whenever Thor’s fingers moved upwards to pump his cock or fondle his balls. Loki was soon rapidly taken apart by the unpredictable sensation and ended up simply flapping his body and moaning under his gag. Tony was achingly hard: the way Loki looked when he was being thoroughly debauched made Tony’s blood boil.

‘Norns take you,’ the younger god wheezed out when they finally relinquished him from his gag, only to have Tony replace his gag with Thor’s cock.

 _‘Mffthhhh!_ ’ came Loki’s muffled shriek, and Tony had never seen the blond Asgardian smirk just so.

‘Don’t talk with your mouthful, brother,’ Thor said sternly, his expression practically a splitting image of the one his brother usually wore. Tony couldn’t contain his chuckles from spilling out.

‘He always did sound as if he had plumps in his mouth,’ Tony grinned, ‘-and now he does.’

It was heady stuff watching Loki suck cock. His face was flushed and his lips was shiny with an almost obscene pink, and Tony soon found he couldn’t keep his hands to himself.  Thor’s hands was knotted into the wave of black hair, flexing and tugging on occasion. Loki’s long throat was being utilized most prettily as he bobbed up and down on his brother’s cock.

‘Your mouth is such wonderful heat and I would ride you thus forever,’ Thor sighed as he made a series of shallow thrusts mounting in vigor, ‘but now I needs empty myself. Will you accept?’

The younger god attempted to nod, through hollowed cheeks. His eyes was practically rolling to the back of his head in ecstasy, and as he watched the tableau before him Tony had a feeling he’d stared something tonight.

Planted some sort of seed that was going to bear some _very_ interesting fruit in the future. Probably something that was going to give Odin a heart attack, and wasn’t that something to look forward to?

‘Hold me tightly, brother.’ Thor begun to grunt and thrust with speed, and Tony could feel his eyes bulge at his incredible control, as his strokes remained shallow even as they grew in speed. Loki moaned, half in wonderment, half in abandonment and further hollowed his cheeks until the friction proved too much for Thor, who made one final thrust and came with a shout.

Tony whimpered to himself and stroked his cock as he watched Loki suck them both through the orgasm.  His every nerve was strung out, as if he had participated himself. 

‘Oh brother,’ Thor finally said, glazed and glowing like a race horse as he looked down on his sibling licking the remnants of his seed of his face. ‘You were magnificent.’

Loki licked his lips with satisfaction, like the cat who got the cream. ‘You taste better than I expected,’ he said. Tony could tell by the small wince that the god was probably trying for grudging snobbery, but it come out blissfully satisfied instead.

Thor simply laughed as his reached down and caught his brother in a slobbering kiss.

Tony couldn’t stand being the bystander anymore. ‘Oi! Didn’t you two just spend the better part of a month fighting over me? Eyes over here, you fucking teases. Practice session over.’

‘You are not allowed to be more demanding than me,’ Loki huffed, but they untangled themselves and made space to pull Tony in between them. The mortal was immediately assailed by the pleasantly arousing musk of sweat and slippery musculature.

Loki crawled over him, the mouth that had just swallowed Thor’s satisfaction sucking on his earlobe and _oh god he’d died and gone to heaven._

‘Don’t stop, never stop,’ the mortal groaned. Sobbed. Whatever. He might not be speaking  English anymore. Multiple hands are on him and the constant shift of hips and muscles of the gods against Tony shuttled him into spirals of need and relief and need again until all he can do is concentrate on remembering to suck in breath and try not to come on the spot.

One hand released the tangle of hair and hoisted him to his knees.

‘J-jeans,’ Tony finally found the headspace to mutter.

‘You are already divested of clothes, beloved.’

 _‘Really?’_ Tony looked down in bemusement to find himself naked . Huh. He hadn’t even felt it happen. He groaned into the sheets as Loki’s hand twisted between them and fisted his cock, whilst Thor lifted his hips, pressing himself close and kneading his buttocks like a particularly large jungle cat.

Tony took to moaning and cursing in turns as Loki’s clever fingers played him like a harp whilst Thor’s thick, oil slicked fingers penetrated and prepared him.

‘Fuck, fuck. Oh gods fuck.’

‘Yes, beloved?’ the god’s voice was low and amused. Thumb circling over the head of his cock, spreading precum over his fingers. Loki’s grip on his dick was like a vice, but he never wanted it to stop.

 _‘Come on,’_ Tony gritted his teeth in an effort not to scream under the onslaught of pleasure. ‘Surely you know what to do next.’

‘But beloved, one can hardly read your mind,’ said Loki, fucking bastard.

‘Take it to the next level, goddammit,’ Tony scoweled. Although he supposed could be grateful at least that the god obeyed, rather than continue to smile smugly at him.

As Loki’s fisting picked up speed Tony panted and shoved along with the friction, barely feeling it when Thor started adding a second and third finger, pushing all the way to the hilt and thrusting the flat of his palm against Tony's ass.

For a while the mortal thought he was close to seeing stars. ‘Oh gods o gods yes.’

‘He is so much easier to please this way,’ Thor observes mildly to his brother, as if noting the clemency of the weather.

‘Indeed,' Loki mummered his acquiescence. 'We should have started this right from the beginning.’

A twinge of impatience prompted Tony to growl over his shoulder at Thor, ‘Stop yapping and just put it in already.’

He could feel rather than see the huge grin on the blond Asgardian's face. ‘Your will, beloved. If you are ready.’

Tony snorted, or attempted to. He could feel the shape of Thor’s cock against his entrance, thick and greedy and uncut and suddenly didn't feel so impatient for what comes next. How could he have possibly filled up again so fast-

And then Thor pushes obligingly in, and pushes all thought out of Tony’s brain.

 _‘Guuuh.’_ His mouth opens wordlessly and his eyes immediately rolls to the back of his head. Thor’s cock is huge, Tony is sure he can feel the pulsing twitch of it up to his _hairline._ Then Thor started thrusting, and the resulting sounds that poured out of his mouth were unprecedented in filth and imagination.

‘Language,’ Loki grinned even as his clever fingers crawled all over Tony’s body and somehow zeroed in on all his sensitive spots. Tony cried out at their deliberate cruelty – found himself begging for more before he could think.

 _‘Please,’_ he whispered, torn apart by the delicious mix of power and torment.

Above him the pale god shuddered at the sound and smiled . ‘Ah beloved, tis _you_ who should command. What would you have of me?’

 _‘Yo- your cock._ ’ It comes out exactly as the hungry whimpering that it is and Tony groans, squeezing his eyes shut against the hungry whine of his own voice.

He doesn’t care a second later though, because Loki is breathing down upon him, dragon-like in his desire, and Tony decided right there and then that the god of mischief had a cock that could well function as a service to mankind. He also decided that any time not spent sucking cock Loki’s was time not well spent.

He found himself mouthing the slit of Loki’s cock before accommodating its entire length into his throat.

‘Better?’ Loki asked, mockingly solicitous as his long clever fingers flexing and undulating on the tender inner circumference of his thigh. Tony could only huff in response. Speared on both ends, spit roasted by sibling gods. It was insanely fucked up thing of beauty in Tony’s life, and he never wanted to move again.

Loki once against displayed his incredible flexibility by stretching his arms down along Tony’s body and pulling his arse cheeks apart so that his brother could thrust deeper. Tony shrieked.

‘What a truly transcendent mouth our beloved possesses,’ Loki sighed, soft and delirious and almost gentle in the rhythmic thrust of his lust.

‘That is the truth of it.’ Thor grunted.

Tony would agree enthusiastically, if he wasn’t being filled with so much cock he could hardly move, just make little huffing sounds around Loki’s surprising girth.

 _‘Mfffthhhhfttt,_ ’ he drooled all over Loki, himself, the bed, and he loved the helpless filth of it.

‘By the nines brother, that is incredible,’ Thor moaned. ‘You must let me return the favor.’

‘You may count on it,’ Loki breathed, planting a necklace of bites along the small of Tony’s back.

The sensation was overwhelming – his every sense was overridden and tears was starting to form in the corner of his eyes, but before Tony could form an opinion on whether it was too much for him to take, Thor started thrusting again, and all Tony could do was hang on for dear life.

He’s not sure how much time had passed later, rolling about in the waves of blind sensation, tossed between two muscular, godly bodies with _immortal_ stamina. In fact, Tony thinks he might have lost consciousness once or twice.

The friction of bodies pinning him down, Loki’s cruelly pinching fingers and his sweet, saliva-slicked mouth and teasing edges of teeth, Thor’s deep grunts and the brunt of his fingers digging into his hips, leaving bruises that Tony is probably going to be _very_ smug about in the morning- they all crashed together until Thor mumbled something that sounded a lot like ‘I need to come’ and dug his fingers into Tony’s hipbones with a crushing grip, pushing against him in a series of successive thrust that makes the mortal scream as his ass is taken apart-

And that unbearable undoing makes him tighten his throat against Loki’s cock, until the god shudders and his balls bunches up-

Then Thor is roaring his climax alongside Tony’s whimpering gapes, carried off in lust. And Loki’s shout as he shot into Tony's throat came accompanied with a shimmer of something in the air like stardust. Although Tony was barely conscious, he could discern that their joint orgasms had literally produced _fireworks_ – thunder had struck something on the balcony; furniture perhaps, leaving it a charred mess, and golden dust had suffused the night air.

 _Ah._ It was never going to be a secret anyways. Tony couldn’t bring himself to care, bones melted off as they were.

He could hardly refrain a purr of self-satisfaction as Thor wiped him down and Loki spelled the soiled bedsheets away. Perhaps he didn’t quite mind such an ending after all, being shackled for the foreseeable future to the two of the kinkiest sibling gods of Asgard. Obviously, Tony could see the rest of the month being set to be one of the more sexually vigorous ones of his life.

The warm curl of smugness in his belly begins to lengthen. Perhaps there could be reason to stay longer on Asgard after all. Certainly the furniture wouldn't break as easily.

He made a note to put himself on holiday once they got back to earth. Maybe indefinitely.  He now had two magical minions to carry out his every depraved wish. It wasn’t everyday things worked out half so well.

‘Jesus fuck that was good.’

Loki rolled off him, and sated and boneless. ‘ Indeed,’ the god rasped his agreement. His voice was almost hoarse from the continuous stream of groaning and lewd descriptions during their lovemaking.

Tony petted his backside with satisfaction. ‘I had no idea you were such a screamer, Reindeer Games. And you, I’ll never underestimate you again. Don’t ever think you’re not brothers; crafty runs in _both_ your veins.’

‘Aye, I’ll admit it for once,’ Thor grinned, standing up to stretch until his joints popped. ‘But doubt not, it would not have happened without you, beloved. I should not have doubted you. ’

‘I know,’ Tony said smugly. ‘I've gotten us all where we actually want to be.’

‘Indeed it was most satisfactory. In a few hours, I would like to try a few new positions.’

‘We shall take turns, brother,’ Thor spoke up. ‘Per agreement.’ Loki opened his mouth to argue, but flopped back on the bed, waving a feeble hand in settlement. ‘Fine.’

Tony wasn’t listening, eye already fluttering shut in drowsy contentment. ‘Surely you don’t expect me to still be able to move. We’ll continue in the morning.’

‘Ah beloved, but we do not need you to move,’ he heard Loki purred with filth, and Tony’s eyes flew open again as a fresh shiver ran down his spine.

‘Meaning?’

‘Well. Thor and I intend to do all the work. All you have to do is… open yourself to receive it.’

Perhaps he’s created a pair of monsters after all.

## [FINI]

 

 


End file.
